Everyone knows a fuck boy. And I do mean everyone. Even if he isn’t in your immediate friends circle, he’s that guy your friend dated and then he ghosted her. Or he’s the boy at the party you had a great time with and then everyone warned you off him so much you decided not to go there. Not only does everyone know a fuck boy, I’m actually willing to wager that you probably know a couple, because like Donald Trump, they are inexplicably on the up.
As long as you don’t date them, or let your friends date them, fuck boys can actually be acceptable furniture, or even vital parts, in the friendship group. Kind of like a poisonous toad in a reptile house – great to have around, adds variety and can even be the center of ‘Venom Week’, but don’t handle them. Just don’t. But does this fuck boy friendship pose a moral dilemma?
For me and my friends, what gets told in secret between us is held in utmost confidence, even if it’s something where we’ve probably behaved in a way we shouldn’t – we just keep it secret, because bros before hoes, obv. And we don’t judge. We are the non judging breakfast club in this situation, we just keep our mouths shut about how you maybe shouldn’t have gone home with the ginger DJ with halitosis, and then show up to help you bury the body if you need us. Because that’s what friends are for! It even includes our really close male friends, but for me it starts to become a problem when you know the guy is a fuck boy.
I don’t necessarily feel like I can, or should be keeping a secret, or withholding judgement, when I know full well that the guy is being a dick. I’ve seen multiple examples of fuck boy-ism in my friends group, from a guy with a girlfriend asking to kiss me, to a guy texting one girl quite seriously and then blowing her off for another, to a guy taking a girls virginity which meant a lot to that particular girl and then laughing about in the pub later that day, to a guy cheating on his girlfriend multiple times and being super open about it with us.
And you know what, it’s not funny, the guy asking to kiss me, it doesn’t matter whether it was ‘banter’ or ‘just kidding’, and the guy cheating it doesn’t matter if ‘well she cheats on me too’, it’s just crappy, crappy behaviour and I’m starting to think that sometimes people, and I’m totally including myself in this, enable it.
‘Well I don’t know his girlfriend and I don’t wanna cause trouble because I don’t have time for that drama, and we’ve been friends for 10 years and he’s been such a good, supportive friend to me when I had that awful break up and when he drove me to that job interview and helped me study for that test and I don’t wanna ruin that friendship over this,’…
Everyone has heard that train of thought articulated out loud, even if you haven’t had it yourself, and we shouldn’t have to have those thoughts! As decent human beings, it’s okay to tell another person that they’re treating someone badly, and you shouldn’t feel stressed about it. And while for me, that mainly applies to the fuck boys in my recent Whataspps, it could actually apply to anyone in your life who isn’t being cool – that friend who really should be making more of an effort with your other friend, or the cousin who never bothers to call your elderly grandmother, it’s totally okay to say ‘Hang on, you aren’t being cool,’…or something more strongly worded, depending on the ire you’re feeling. I’d probably stop somewhere short of ‘You’re an actually horrendous human being and I hope you step on a rusty plug impregnated with rabies’, which is what I said to the guy friend with a girlfriend who asked to kiss me…
While it’s probably a little bit early for New Years Resolutions, with the Christmas party season in the early throes, it’s pretty much prime fuck boy behaviour season, so I, for one, will be making the effort from now on to call out any of my friends who aren’t behaving properly. It might cause arguments or awkward conversations, and I might even loose a friend for it (although I REALLY hope not), but I just don’t want to finish conversations anymore thinking ‘Oh that was so over the boundary,’ or get home from a night out thinking ‘As IF he did that, I wonder if *insert girlfriends name here* is going to find out’.
Really, I just don’t want to feel like I’m maybe compromising my own morals just to keep the bros before hoes code. I’ll let you know how I go on!
P.S.Sorry for all the swears in this mum.
P.P.S. I know that girls can be fuck boys too, but Mark Twain, a much cleverer person that me once said ‘Write what you know’, and ‘fuck girls’ aren’t really an issue in my friendship group, so this post is specific to the male gender, although you could easily swap genders for it to generalise, if that’s your experience!