Alright, small disclaimer. This blog is nowhere near as NSFW as the title would suggest. In fact, if it was going to be filed on Netflix, it’s a better fit for comedy than adult. But I disgress…
I decided that since me and my friends have SO many horrible/hilarious/down right questionable dating experiences, it’d be rude not to share them. At the very least we might make someone feel better about their own lives right?
As a disclaimer, I won’t ever name said friends or include identifying features, and I’m only sharing the stories after asking their permission.
But now that slight moral ish is covered, on with the story!
So my friend K met this guy on Plenty of Fish (it’s already questionable, who uses POF under the age of 35? We have Tinder), and got to chatting. Daily texting. Following on Instagram and Twitter. In no time at all, and without having met him, he was a pretty major part of her life (warning klaxons, activate now). And honestly, we were all for it. Absolutely all for it. He was a little older, but I wouldn’t kick Johnny Depp out of bed so who am I to judge? (Or Brad Pitt. Or Leonardo DiCaprio. Or Billie Joe Armstrong….)
Where was I? Sorry. Yeah, he was a little older but it seemed in a good way. He had a house, a mortgage, a car (a sensible Toyota, not a mid life crisis mobile which would have raised flags), a decent job and he was reasonably attractive. He went on and on about how he liked to treat girls like princesses, sweep them off their feet, spoil them, be a regular Prince Charming….and all signs supported this. He sent 15 red roses to K’s work, in a bow. That doesn’t even happen outside of movies.
So obviously, when he asked her for a date we were ready for it to be a Cinderella story. We were expecting romance, fireworks, butlers, maybe even talking animals it was all so Disney perfect. And in our defence, all signs pointed to it. He told her to dress up really nice, that he was going to spoil her and show her what she really meant to him. (Remember this part, we’ll come back to it later, in the post mortem.)
So K got all ready…hair blow dryed, full face of make up, wearing an actual cocktail dress for a classy evening, and heels, and the kind of nice jewellery your mother gives you for a keepsake but you never wear?
And she took a taxi to the train station in the centre of Liverpool that she was meant to meet him at, and she waited. And waited. For FIFTEEN MINUTES. He was late, and while fifteen minutes isn’t an inexcusable amount of time to be late (my average is like 30, #sorrynotsorry) it is inexcusable when you’re meant to be Prince Charming and your date is wearing heels and evening wear! So after he eventually arrived he hugged her (no kiss?? Even on the cheek??) and said, let’s grab some dinner then.
And then took her into a railway station Subway.
Now I like Subway as much as the next girl (carefully selected ones that don’t belong to the chain my ex boyfriend works for mind), but I would not put on an evening dress and heels to go get a meatball marinara for any man. But it does get worse. He bought the stinkiest sandwich on record, even asking for extra onions 😱 and made her pay for her own! Wildly spoiling her on their first date, this was not.
He didn’t talk the entire time it took him to eat his six inch, and upon finishing the sandwich, his crisps and drink, he stood up and went ‘This isn’t going well, let’s call it a night’ and walked out of Subway. Leaving K in evening wear and heels, halfway through a BLT sub….could the guy have been anymore of a pig??
Anyway the story perked up, she called one of our friends to meet her with more casual clothes, changed in the Subway toilet (#stayclassy) and they had a wild night out in Popworld. But it’s still a dating horror that stays with me. Mainly because of the part where he said he wanted to take her on a date where he could show her what she meant to him….what is a six inch sub trying to say about his feelings for her? Cause I have no clue to this day 😂 needless to say she’s never spoken to him since!!
Hope you guys enjoyed my first dating horror story….unfortunately of many.