Tinder, like Starbucks, social media and Uber, is pretty much an ingrained part of life in the 21st century. I don’t know anyone who hasn’t downloaded the app and got their swipe on at some point and it probably takes up part of the limited iPhone memory space on at least half of my friends phones regular.
But, while the app is ubiquitous, not all tinderers* are created equal. Tinder is lots of things for lots of people, fulfilling a whole pile of needs (not like that, ew), and I figured I’d have a stab at listing some of the more common identities that you’ll see on Tinder (me and my friends have been most/all of these at various points, so I could be projecting a little), so without further ado, I bring you…
*this is definitely not an Oxford English Dictionary standard noun, but it is on Urban Dictionary, so I’m just rolling with it.
Alright, small disclaimer. This blog is nowhere near as NSFW as the title would suggest. In fact, if it was going to be filed on Netflix, it’s a better fit for comedy than adult. But I disgress…
I decided that since me and my friends have SO many horrible/hilarious/down right questionable dating experiences, it’d be rude not to share them. At the very least we might make someone feel better about their own lives right?
As a disclaimer, I won’t ever name said friends or include identifying features, and I’m only sharing the stories after asking their permission.
But now that slight moral ish is covered, on with the story!
Everyone has those couple of things that they see people do on Tinder that just make them go “NOPE!”, and swipe left faster than you can say ‘Gratuitous app based hook up’, and while these differ person to person, these are the ones that get my right swipe well exercised.
- Having nothing but group shots for pictures. You’re Mr Sociable and you’ve got loads of mates, we get it. But this is Tinder, not Where’s Wally and I’d really like to know which tank top wearing ‘lad’ from the Zante #TB profile pic I’m swiping right to.
- Having girls (ESPECIALLY your ex) in your profile pictures. Any of them. I’m not exactly the crazy jealous nuts person (mostly) but really, know your audience.
- Letting your bio have spelling mistakes in it. ‘Wot’ should have been left way back in 2006, resurrected only by parents who still think text speak is a thing. (Mum, if you’re reading this, it’s not still a thing. The days of messages limited by characters are long gone. You’ve got an iPhone, please use it to write iMessages however long you want.)*
- Talking about your dog in your bio, but not having any pictures of your dog in your profile pictures. I would like evidence, please and it is in your interest because I am waaay more likely to go right if I’m gonna get to spend time with a cute dog somewhere along the line. Not that I’m animal shallow or anything.
- Only including really far away location shots where you’re an itty bitty presence in them. I mean don’t get me wrong. The Vegas fountains are impressive. Machu picchu is super beautiful. I know all these things. What I don’t know is what the bloody hell you look like.
- Putting memorials to dead family members or pets in your Tinder bio (I still can’t believe this is ACTUALLY A THING THAT REAL PEOPLE DO). I mean, I’m really sorry for your loss and everything, but how am I meant to start a conversation with that? Hardly romantic topic of the century is it? “So how did your Uncle Stephen die? Was it sudden? Nice sunglasses in your profile pic too…”.
*I really hope my mum isn’t reading my blog about Tinder. Sorry mum.
Everyone knows a fuck boy. And I do mean everyone. Even if he isn’t in your immediate friends circle, he’s that guy your friend dated and then he ghosted her. Or he’s the boy at the party you had a great time with and then everyone warned you off him so much you decided not to go there. Not only does everyone know a fuck boy, I’m actually willing to wager that you probably know a couple, because like Donald Trump, they are inexplicably on the up.
As long as you don’t date them, or let your friends date them, fuck boys can actually be acceptable furniture, or even vital parts, in the friendship group. Kind of like a poisonous toad in a reptile house – great to have around, adds variety and can even be the center of ‘Venom Week’, but don’t handle them. Just don’t. But does this fuck boy friendship pose a moral dilemma?
I’ve never really got on board with the online dating hype. The closest I’ve got to Plentyoffish.com is the month I spent obsessing over Lady Gaga’s Telephone video and the one time I downloaded Tinder the first message I got (20 minutes after downloading the app) was so sexually explicit I prompted deleted the app in shock and have never gone back, despite my friends swiping like their lives depend on it and heading off on Tinder dates left, right and center.
The closest I ever got to POF.