Alright, small disclaimer. This blog is nowhere near as NSFW as the title would suggest. In fact, if it was going to be filed on Netflix, it’s a better fit for comedy than adult. But I disgress…
I decided that since me and my friends have SO many horrible/hilarious/down right questionable dating experiences, it’d be rude not to share them. At the very least we might make someone feel better about their own lives right?
As a disclaimer, I won’t ever name said friends or include identifying features, and I’m only sharing the stories after asking their permission.
But now that slight moral ish is covered, on with the story!
Everyone has those couple of things that they see people do on Tinder that just make them go “NOPE!”, and swipe left faster than you can say ‘Gratuitous app based hook up’, and while these differ person to person, these are the ones that get my right swipe well exercised.
- Having nothing but group shots for pictures. You’re Mr Sociable and you’ve got loads of mates, we get it. But this is Tinder, not Where’s Wally and I’d really like to know which tank top wearing ‘lad’ from the Zante #TB profile pic I’m swiping right to.
- Having girls (ESPECIALLY your ex) in your profile pictures. Any of them. I’m not exactly the crazy jealous nuts person (mostly) but really, know your audience.
- Letting your bio have spelling mistakes in it. ‘Wot’ should have been left way back in 2006, resurrected only by parents who still think text speak is a thing. (Mum, if you’re reading this, it’s not still a thing. The days of messages limited by characters are long gone. You’ve got an iPhone, please use it to write iMessages however long you want.)*
- Talking about your dog in your bio, but not having any pictures of your dog in your profile pictures. I would like evidence, please and it is in your interest because I am waaay more likely to go right if I’m gonna get to spend time with a cute dog somewhere along the line. Not that I’m animal shallow or anything.
- Only including really far away location shots where you’re an itty bitty presence in them. I mean don’t get me wrong. The Vegas fountains are impressive. Machu picchu is super beautiful. I know all these things. What I don’t know is what the bloody hell you look like.
- Putting memorials to dead family members or pets in your Tinder bio (I still can’t believe this is ACTUALLY A THING THAT REAL PEOPLE DO). I mean, I’m really sorry for your loss and everything, but how am I meant to start a conversation with that? Hardly romantic topic of the century is it? “So how did your Uncle Stephen die? Was it sudden? Nice sunglasses in your profile pic too…”.
*I really hope my mum isn’t reading my blog about Tinder. Sorry mum.